I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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