i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
