im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
