Just fell off a train. Bad.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
