There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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