i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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