Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
