i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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