Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
