I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
only you would photoshop your dick
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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