idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
