So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
