Umm I'm too high to move.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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