I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
