This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
