guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
