I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
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I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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