pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
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