We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This baby is an asshole
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
