We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.