I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
