I don't usually arrange sex via text message
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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