I accidentally burped into my bong.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
