god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Found your dick twin last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
