So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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