Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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