Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
