i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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