whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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