Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
