two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
