there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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