So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
