Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
