At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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