btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
