i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
