I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
