it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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