I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize