I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
