so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
