She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Randomize
