Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
