"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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