i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
