So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
