I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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