We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
