mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
