i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
