I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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