your parents love me but you hate me
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
