I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
