Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
